Politically Correct at Nations Monuments:

The idea is being tossed around now to transform one of America's most long-standing and recognized monuments, The Mt. Rushmore Monument in South Dakota, into one more palatble to women, minorities, and people of color (as well as blacks).

A coalition representing all major races (all three) and genders met recently to discuss the implementation of this long-overdue proposal. The idea is to add various Afro-American and women's leaders heads alongside those already there (those blatantly bias toward white men). Various names were put forth: Martin Luther King, Frederick Douglass, Whoopi Goldberg, etc. but consensus was elusive.

There was a breakdown in discussion after a short time when colored leaders such as Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton (who made a lengthy, condemning speech in which he pointed out the with great emphasis the irony that a monument of all-white heads is locate in the "Black Hills"), decided that they want their own completely separate monument, higher up the mountain, and preferably looking down on the original. (They also each began pressing for their issue of a national holiday in their honor, but realized that this was not the time or place.) If that would not be possible however, they did reluctantly concede for the inclusion of two new stone heads of leaders of their choice (since they represent their entire race) as long as the heads are out in front and set higher than the white counterparts (to make up for past injustice, the reasoning goes). (As a side note, Sharpton also briefly attempted to make his case that Theodore Roosevelt could be made to look like himself without much re-sculpturing).

The realities of budget constraints eventually set in, however, as is often the case, and what was settled upon instead was a plan to transform the Washington head into that of Jesse Jackson by widening the nose and lips and also making it appear more true to life by having his mouth open. (The one representative from the white race quickly hushed his own objections to that plan, after the others unanimously implied he was being racist).

There was some debate over which women to include - Sharpton again chimed in with his conversion idea, claiming it would be easy to add long hair to Jefferson and pass him off as Pearl Bailey, or to squeeze Rosa Parks in between Roosevelt and Lincoln, but calmer heads prevailed. The final solution was to substitute Eleanor Roosevelt in place of her uncle Theodore, alongside newly sculpted mini-heads of Sondra Day O Connor and Oprah Winfrey. (Because of recent environmental legislation, Congress would need to make special authorization before beginning new sculpting on the mountain, as well as get written permission from Greenpeace)

Inevitably, It didn't take long for the homosexual groups to get wind of these discussions and to demand their equal representation. (A Media demonstration was staged and threatened to be shown on CNN if they were not included -a pink brick was even thrown through the window of the meeting room) - eventually their representatives were ushered in. Various names were suggested as possible candidates: Truman Capote, Pee Wee Herman, etc. One rather queer motion was also made to try to kill two (or three) birds with one stone (so to speak) solving all representation issues with only adding one head - that of singer Tracy Chapman (black, lesbian, female), but this quickly fell to the ground.

Arriving late at the meeting and visibly upset that his group had not been notified, was a representative from the Mexican-American Equality Coalition, no less demanding his people's equal rights and representation. For the first time that day, the Negro and women's coalition appeared slightly embarrassed and themselves were in the unfamiliar position of making appeasements. Their ignorance was embarrassingly evident though, when one or their members ingenuously put forth the name of Juan Valdez as a possible candidate. At that point the Mexican stormed out uttering some Spanish expletive.

Some do-gooder aide from one of the groups suggested that it would be only fair to also include the Native Americans, perhaps by adding feathers to Roosevelts head and making him into Sitting Bull - that suggestion only met with blank stares however.

Eventually, and unfortunately, the impossibility of fairly representing all the groups began to set in, with each group drawing back into its respective corner. To prevent total discord from reigning, the leaders eventually conceded to doing what seemed the only logical alternative under the circumstance - to raze the existing monument altogether.

Demolition crews are scheduled to begin blasting next week.

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